Taking a momentary break from my self reflection and mourning, I would like to talk about where I am going next. I have a few goals:

  1. I will write a book. The theme of the book is the mythology of economics, in other words, it is the explanation and analysis of the Story that economics weaves for us about who we are and the world we live in. It is a critical work which will not only tear apart the foundation of a pseudo-science that has long ago outlived its use for society, but will also prescribe a solution to the problems it has caused for us. It is a happy book full of hope and promise for a better future, something economics has not been able to promise us since I was a little girl.
  2. I will consult as a freelancer. I have held back from this because I don’t know how to get started. Well, just yesterday I read a page on a woman’s blog where she offers writing services. Just like that. “If you want writing services, please contact me. My fee will vary based on the type of writing and projected time to completion.” So, if she can do it, I can do it. So I will. Just like that.
  3. I will return my legs to 100% of their ability for Sunday practice. I have been suffering and struggling with over training for nearly a month now. When I look at the rides I have been doing over the past four months, it is no surprise. While I am still reeling from a major bike related loss, I think I have enough stability that I can stop using cycling to medicate my anxiety, depression, and loneliness and start shaping my miles into something that will make me stronger. It is no longer enough for me to just ride, I need to ride with purpose. My coach said he will make me a training plan as I grow as a rider, but that I should prioritize both recovery and my Sunday practices above all other riding activities.

Goal number three is the most well formed, present, and exciting for me right now. It is also going to be very difficult. I am still struggling with my candida infection which means that fueling for my training rides is always a monumental task. Currently I am focusing on fat based fuel sources and just making sure that I have enough of them available on a daily basis to satisfy my caloric needs. When that becomes more stable I will shift towards incorporating the fats into more balanced meals, as opposed to just eating handfuls of sesame seeds as I am doing now. I am pretty confident I have enough protein, so right now the calories are the most critical.

The second part of my plan to accomplish goal number three is adequate rest. I ride compulsively, like alcoholics drink, and I know that. I am currently considering a 1-ride plan. That is, I am allowed one ride per week that has no purpose whatsoever except that I want to be on the bike. I can spend it commuting to work or riding with Mieko or some other friend (assuming I find one), but I only get one. Other miles are either easy recovery spins or tits-out leg burns. No pointless miles.

I hope to accomplish goal three in two weeks, but it’s ok if it takes me three. No matter what, though, I want to see what 100% of my ability looks like come August. I need this in order to know how to plan the rest of my year. I only have 10 months before race season starts!

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